The Treatise on Public Conveniences
Zhang Chaoyun
In the city, the conveniences stand tall and numerous, grand as the golden pits of imperial envoys, small as the delicate huts of the common folk. At first glance, all toilets seem to be foul-smelling, but in reality, this is not the case; one can occasionally encounter the fragrant ones within.
However, the toilets that catch the wind are truly heavenly delicacies, incomparable to ordinary toilets. For instance, within them, one might be embraced by the full force of the ‘wind of excrement.’ The scent varies with the seasons: in spring, it is harmonious and warm, like a blend of a hundred flavors in soup; in summer, it is fierce and burning, like the scorching flames of fire; in autumn, it lingers with a melancholy reminiscent of an old acquaintance; in winter, it is cold and foul, like the deep ditch where a dragon’s excrement lies. Why does the scent change with the months and seasons?
Before delving into the origins, let me add two more points for clarity: 801 is located no more than twenty meters from the toilet, and there is only a hall separating them. Thus, when using the toilet at 801, it is decreed by the heavens that one must not seek the source of the smell, in order to secure a comfortable two years hence.
As the seasons transition from spring to summer, I entered the toilet hall with Hao Ran. The smell was overwhelming, and upon closer inspection: beneath the stench of feces, there was a hint of fragrance, so I declared, “This must be the incense burning on the altar, spreading its fragrance!” Hao Ran also said, “Indeed! Indeed! It is the incense!”
“Why is the smell of feces stronger in summer than in spring and autumn?” someone asked.
We were all speechless, and then we pushed the door of the pit, where the bottom was piled with yellow feces, nearly black, with thousands of ants and eggs buzzing around. Then, the water curtain fell, and I said, “The summer air is hot, giving birth to mosquitoes and flies! All kinds of bacteria and microorganisms multiply, naturally making it stink!” Hao Ran said with a nod, “In the summer, people’s bellies are bloated, because of the dampness, so they defecate more, and the smell in summer is purer!” Everyone was shocked, and in a moment of daze, applause erupted.
The first doubt was resolved, and peace prevailed for several months, with undercurrents brewing, almost reaching the shore. Why do I say this? Someone once said, “The toilet that catches the wind is a heavenly delicacy. Its vertical pits have short intervals between flushes, while the horizontal pits have long intervals, so it can be known that the horizontal pits are not as good as the vertical ones.”
This is a fallacy!
Although the horizontal pits are indeed smelly, they offer privacy and seclusion, with the blackboard at the entrance just blocking the view from the outside. The vertical pits are clear and open, with no privacy or seclusion, and on the third day of the month, the blackboard cannot block the view, and it is inevitable that people will gossip. Therefore, both the horizontal and vertical pit positions have their advantages! There is no distinction of superiority.
There are many mysteries about toilets, but due to the limitations of ink and paper, I cannot elaborate on them all. In summary, the sentence is condensed: The toilet that catches the wind is different from other toilets, a heavenly delicacy, with a nine-palace layout, and a fragrance like spring! I believe that newcomers in the future can learn the true words of the toilet based on this treatise!
Please note that the translation aims to maintain the original text’s satirical tone and vivid imagery, while also ensuring the elegance of the English language.
过厕论
张朝赟
市之诸厕林立，大如皇使之金坑，小似玲珑之草堂。厕之者，初看皆臭，实则不然，偶可遇室中之馨香者也。
然顺风之厕。实乃天上之仙品，非常厕可相比乎。譬如其间，既得满怀屎风。其味春夏不同，秋冬亦不同。春之者和熙似百味融汤，夏之者热烈似烈火焚身，秋之者余怅宛旧我故人，冬之者寒臭如深沟蛟粪，为何味者随时月变乎？
述源之前, 另补二点，以供理801居于厕不下二十米处，二者间隔只一厅一堂矣。于是厕于801,即命于苍生，不得采身求源矣，以图往后两年可以安逸矣。
时值春夏之交，吾与浩苒式共进厕堂。其味扑鼻，细品：屎味之下隐有香料之影现，于是断言：“此乃蚊香燃身引火头上，散馨香矣！”浩苒亦曰：“是然！是然！蚊香是然！”
“为何夏之屎味较比春秋更盛？”或曰。
吾等哑无言，复推坑门入坑，其坑底黄屎堆积其色近黑，百千蚁虫与卵，嗡嗡四起。于是水落幕出：“夏之气，热，泣出生蚊虫也！各类菌小繁衍，自然臭乎！”浩苒万付曰：“夏之际时，人皆腹胀，其因为湿气所染，于是泄屎更多，夏时味更纯乎！”众皆惊，恍惚一瞬，掌声四起。
首惑解，平安数月，波澜暗酿，几近拍岸。何出此言？旧日有人言议：“顺风之厕，天上仙品。其竖坑冲水隔短而横坑冲水隔长，故可知横坑不如竖坑。”
谬矣!
横坑固臭，其地可遮隐挡私，门口之黑板，恰可挡外界之目光。竖坑周清，其地无隐无私，初三，则黑板不可遮，外界视之难免生闲。所以然横竖坑位皆有所长！ 无上下之分矣。
厕之奥妙众多，限于笔墨不可一一娓与君听。总凝篇成句：顺风之厕不同于他厕，天下仙品，九宫布局，香气似春矣！ 想必后来之新人，可以凭此论习厕得真言噫！
本文转自作者本人投稿，如有侵权，请联系我们予以删除。原文作者：张朝赟
